


What Hurts The Most

by lovelynemesis



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dirty Talk, F/M, Heartbreak, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-27 15:55:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10812192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelynemesis/pseuds/lovelynemesis
Summary: "What hurts the most was being so closeAnd havin' so much to sayAnd watchin' you walk awayAnd never knowin' what could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was trying to doIt's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I goBut I'm doing itIt's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm aloneStill harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regretBut I know if I could do it overI would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heartThat I left unspoken"- What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts





	1. Chapter 1

_Everything hurt._

That is the thought that rolled through your mind as you opened your eyes and squinted at the offensive sun shining through the curtains. You looked at the bedside table and saw that the clock read 7:23 a.m. You also noticed two empty bottles of wine sitting behind the clock. 

Well… that explained why your head felt like it took a trip through a meat grinder. 

With a groan, you propped yourself up on an elbow and fumbled around for your cell phone. The little blue light was flashing, signaling a notification. Bringing it to life, you had three missed calls and five text messages from Steve. You missed your morning workout session. Third time this week. Yada, yada… Whatever.

You attempted to sit up on the side of the bed. “Nope,” you said to yourself before laying back down, staring at the ceiling. How much did you drink last night? Did you eat? Why were you still in your jeans? It was too bright in here.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.? Can you shut off the sun?” you asked the interface system. She was always quick to answer, her Irish accent filling the room, “I think that is a little out of my realm of expertise, but I can do this.” You jumped at the sound of the metal shutters closing over the windows. Pitch black… it suited your mood. 

You picked your phone back up and pulled up the text messages. Hitting Steve’s name, you typed a quick, ‘Not feeling well,’ before checking your emails. Your thumb slid over the gallery tab before you thought better of it. You didn’t know why you were torturing yourself this way…

Bucky’s smiling face appeared. It was the last selfie you two had taken together before the break up. Your heart constricted inside of your chest. The happiness in the picture was hard to look at. “Damnit,” you whispered before throwing your phone to the floor. You felt the familiar sensation of tears forming in your eyes. On a quiet sob, you let them spill. The anguish was crippling. You missed him. His smile, his laugh, his voice… him. 

_It hurt._

A loud knock at the door startled you out of your reverie. You swiped your hands over your face, erasing the tears before sitting up quickly. Too quickly in fact. Your head spun so hard you almost fainted. “What?” you yelled out harshly. 

“It’s Steve, may I come in?” he said through the door. Crap, it was locked. You threw your legs over the side of the bed and tried standing again. Whew, ok… so far, so good. While holding onto everything you encountered, you made it to the door. You clicked the lock and opened the door enough for Steve to walk in. You switched the lamp on and sat at the end of the bed.

You looked up at him standing in front of you. You watched as his eyes surveyed your room. You could tell he took note of the empty bottles of wine on the nightstand and the other empty liquor bottles in the trash can. He bent to pick up the broken picture frame out of the trash. He wiped the glass off the picture of you and Bucky and sighed.

“He got back from his mission late last night,” he said as he placed the picture on the desk. “Sam said it was pretty routine. No problems.” 

“Good for him,” you said snidely. You knew you were being pissy, but this mission he went on was the reason behind your break up in the first place. You looked at Steve’s feet as you got lost in thought… 

_‘Yea doll, fuck… just like that.’ Bucky said while gripping your hips tighter. You placed your hands on his chest for leverage and rolled your hips faster against his. You were in perfect sync together, with every backward roll of your hips, he would thrust up. He was so deep that he would bump your cervix with every pump. The little sting of pain was perfect in combination with your clit hitting his pelvic bone._

_‘Bucky… baby…,’ you moaned, over and over. Your nails scraped over his chest when his rough thrust jolted your pleasure up another notch. ‘Oh, my god…’ you sat up straight, placed one hand behind you on Bucky’s thigh and the other slipped between your bodies to rub your clit. Your head fell back on a moan. The sounds leaving your mouth made you sound like a wanton woman._

_‘Fuck doll face, you’re so damn beautiful like this,’ Bucky grunted underneath you. His movements became sloppy as he was nearing his finish. His grip on your hips was going to leave finger shaped bruises. His metal hand slid up your body to tweak your nipple. You slammed your hips down on him one last time, screaming out your orgasm. ‘Ah, oh my…FUCK!’ Bucky shouted as he spilled himself inside you. You collapsed onto his chest and nuzzled your face into his neck. He wrapped his arms around your back while letting your heartbeats settle._

_‘Do you have to go?’ you whispered after a while. You stacked your hands on his sternum and propped your chin on top to look at him. Bucky’s face was serious as he brushed the hair away from your face._

_‘You know I do,’ he sighed._

_‘I don’t understand why I can’t go with you,’ you thought you would argue your case one more time. ‘All I need to do is get close enough to the target to touch him. Then I can tell you any information you need to know. Seconds is all I need.’_

_‘That is the exact reason why I said no to you going.’ He pushed his own hair back, giving you a stern look. ‘These are dangerous people and you don’t need to be that close to them. End of discussion. Besides, you and Wanda have more training exercises to do.’_

_‘You’re not my keeper Bucky,’ you said while rolling off him and walking to the bathroom. You cleaned yourself up and put your robe on. When you went back into the bedroom, Bucky had sat up on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands._

_‘I didn’t say that I was. I just want to keep you safe damnit, and I can’t do that if I have to concentrate on the target and you at the same time.’ He looked up at you, his eyes pleading with you to understand._

_‘This is always how it is going to be, isn’t it?’ you asked, leaning against the door jamb. ‘You’re never going to see me as a part of the team.’_

_‘With a little more training to hone your senses…’ he started to say, but you raised your hand and shook your head. You were past the point of reasoning. You rummaged around for your clothes, hastily putting them on. You opened the door to walk out._

_‘We’ll talk about this when I get back,’ Bucky said, standing from the bed. He looked as lost as you felt._

_‘No, we won’t,’ you stated as you walked out the door, leaving your heart behind._

You were brought back by a pair of fingers snapping in front of your face. You shook yourself and looked back up at Steve. His brow was furrowed in confusion. You looked away. You needed alcohol. 

“He looks awful, if that makes you feel any better.” Steve put his hands on his hips and used his Cap voice. “Just go talk to him. I would shower first though.” With that, he turned and walked out of your room. 

You were stunned, but it was effective. You sighed and trudged your way to the bathroom. 

______________________

You found him down in the gym. He hadn’t noticed you yet so it gave you time to look him over. Still gorgeous as always. He had lost a little weight, but still looked delicious. Damn the man. Sweat was clinging to his back and his black running shorts were sitting low on his hips as he ran on the treadmill. He was looking straight ahead, pumping his arms, pushing himself. He hit the button to stop the machine, grabbed a towel to wipe his face and stepped down. He dropped the towel, finally noticing you standing near the doorway. 

You both just stared at each other. You weren’t sure if it was because you didn’t know what to say or if he was waiting on you to start the conversation. Your question was answered when all he did was turn and head for the shower room. You sighed, rolling your eyes. You knew this wasn’t going to be easy. 

“Bucky!” you called out. He came back through the doors and you almost lost your nerve. The man was only wearing a towel around his hips. You gulped, “I heard the mission went smoothly.”

A look you couldn’t decipher passed over his face, “That’s what you want to talk about?” He threw his hands in the air. You didn’t say anything more, at a complete loss for words. 

He grabbed his gym bag from the floor and walked over to you, stopping just a breath away. He reached up and ran his thumb across your bottom lip. Then he shook his head and without another word, walked out. The haunted look in his eyes caused a broken sob to escape your throat. 

_Everything still hurt._


	2. What Hurts The Most Part 2

_One month later…_

  


You were drunk.

Looking down at the whiskey in your glass, you tried to remember what number you were on. Raising the glass to your lips, you downed what was left with ease and motioned to the bartender for another. He smiled at you as he refilled the tumbler with the amber colored liquid. Taking your drink between your hands, you turned on the barstool to look at the party going on behind you. Tony’s parties were always this way. Lavish, cheerful, and full of people with money in their pockets. There was good music and people dancing. The merriment of the evening was in celebration of some new software Tony had created. Again. 

You really should have been in a better mood than what you were. You had put on your favorite dress, took time on your hair, and put on make-up. You chose the heels that made your legs look a mile long and your ass look fantastic. But here you were, sitting at the bar, scowling at the happy people around you. 

There he was. You knew Steve would make him come. It really wasn’t his scene either, but if Steve asked you to do something, you normally did it. Bucky was sitting on a couch on the other side of the room, sitting next to Wanda. Was her hand on his arm? Did he just laugh at something she said? You raised your glass again, letting the whiskey burn a path to your stomach. You swiveled your bar stool back around before you threw up. 

“Ya know, Jack is everyone’s friend in the beginning, but has been known to make enemies quick,” Sam said pointing at your drink before sitting down on the stool beside you. You glanced at him as he ordered two waters and leaned his elbows on the bar. He looked over at you, “How many of those have you had?” You shrugged as an answer, taking another sip. 

“I believe that is her fifth,” Vision stated while settling himself on your other side. Shooting a glare at Vis, you looked back over to see Sam frown at you. You rolled your eyes and hopped off your stool. You finished your drink and slammed the glass onto the bar. 

“Goodnight gentlemen,” you said over your shoulder as you walked away. 

You punched the button for the elevator and chanced a glance in Bucky’s direction again. Steve had joined their conversation, all of them with smiles on their faces. You turned back to the elevator. You blamed the feeling in your stomach on the alcohol. The tears in your eyes, you blamed on yourself.

* * *

You were woken up by the bed dipping next to you. You rolled over and slowly opened your eyes. Bucky was sitting on the other side of the bed. You couldn’t have been more shocked and he must have seen it on your face, because he was frowning at you. 

“H-how did you get in here?” you croaked out. You sat up and pulled the blanket around you.

“You never changed your keycode on the door.” He said while fidgeting with the corner of the blanket. 

“Ok, why are you here?” It came out harsher than what you had intended but you weren’t a morning person. 

He didn’t answer right away. He turned his head and looked around your room. You knew what he saw. Your clothes were in laundry baskets and you had books and papers strewn around various surfaces. He bent down and picked up a drawing that was at his feet. He studied it a second before turning back to you and pointing at the paper, “Is this a memory or in the future?” You looked away from his face and looked at the drawing. It was a sketch of Bucky looking out a window, his hair falling over his brow and he had a small smile on his face. It was in the future. In your sketchbook, the drawing was continued on the next page and it’s of you outside playing with yours and Bucky’s young son. Apparently, your visions can be wrong. 

It hurt.

“I don’t know, I just saw it and had to draw it.” You said before getting up and going in the bathroom. You closed the door and turned to the sink. Running the cold water, you grabbed a handful and splashed your face. You turned the water off and leaned against the sink. You let your tears mix with the water dripping off your face. You gripped the edges of the counter as racking sobs took hold of your body. Hanging your head, you cried. You cried so hard that you didn’t hear the bathroom door open or Bucky’s boots scrape across the floor to take you in his arms. When you connected with his solid chest, you cried even harder. His strong arms hugged you tight and he was murmuring soft words into your hair. You gripped his t-shirt in your hands and held on. You let out all the heartache, the anguish. 

Finally calming down, you pushed away from him to look up at his face, “Why are you here?” 

He wiped the tears off your face with his thumbs, “I’m worried about you.” He tucked your hair behind your ears. “Steve said that you are skipping gym sessions and Wanda mentioned that you haven’t been meeting with her to strengthen your abilities. I saw the video of the mission you went on with Sam. That could have ended up a lot worse than it did. And the drinking…”

You cut him off by pushing yourself farther away from him. You pulled yourself together and faced him fully. “You don’t get to have a say what goes on in my life anymore Bucky.” 

He crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at you, “I have only ever wanted you to be the best that you can be.” He said, getting angry. “But you see it as me wanting to keep you under my thumb. Or what is it that you said? That I will never see you as part of the team? Well, when you get your head out of your ass and start being a part of the fucking team, I will see you that way. Quit thinking that you can do it all on your own and rely on other people.” 

“I’ve only ever had myself to lean on, you fucking know that,” you said shoving him away from the door so you could get away from him. 

He followed you back into your room. The way he said, “You had me,” stopped you in your tracks. You turned around to look at him. He looked sad as he dropped his arms to his sides in defeat. “You have me. You will always have me. I love you.” 

Your feet moved before your brain registered what you were doing. You practically launched yourself at him, fusing your lips to his. You placed both hands on each side of his face as his arms went around your back. The kiss was slow, letting the hunger build. His tongue tangled with yours before his teeth sank into your bottom lip. A soft moan left your lips, wrapping your arms around his neck. He took his time, savoring the feel of your lips against his. Bucky’s metal hand started lifting your shirt to strip it off, leaving you only in your panties. He crashed his lips on yours again while his hands smoothed over your naked back. 

You moved your arms down to strip him of his shirt. Leaning forward, you placed soft kisses across his collar bones. You traced the muscles on his stomach with your fingers and dipped them in his sweatpants at his hips bones. Lowering to your knees in front of him, you tugged his pants down his legs and looked up at his face. He was staring down at you, bottom lip between his teeth. You brought your hands up and wrapped them around his thick cock and gave a slow pump. He closed his eyes and placed his flesh hand behind your head, tangling his fingers in your hair. You swiped your thumb over the sensitive head, smearing the pre-cum that had formed. You leaned up and took him in your mouth, swirling your tongue along the tender underside. His soft groan turned into a moan when he hit the back of your throat. His hand tightened in your hair as you set a torturous pace. His metal hand clenched into a fist at his side when he opened his eyes to watch your lips around his cock. Wetness pooled between your thighs at the intense look on his face. 

“Fuck,” he grunted when you gave him a hard suck. He started to move his hips, thrusting himself into your mouth. You loved when he did this, lost in the pleasure you were giving him. All too soon, he pulled your hair and popped your mouth off his cock. “Get on the bed, doll face,” he said, wiping your bottom lip with his thumb. 

You crawled your way onto the bed and sprawled out on your back. Bucky placed his knee on the bed and bent to tug your panties down your legs. Tossing them aside, he lifted your leg and placed a soft kiss on your ankle. He trailed open mouthed kisses along your calf, the side of your knee. Spreading your thighs, he licked a path to your pussy. He stopped, hovering over where you wanted his lips the most. You whimpered when he blew warm air across your clit. 

“Tell me what you want,” he said, a smirk appearing on his lips.

You knew that Bucky loved this game. He loved hearing you tell him how good he was making you feel or how you wanted him to do something. You tunneled your fingers through his hair, scraping your nails across his scalp, “Fuck me with your tongue baby,” you said breathlessly. 

With a growl, Bucky licked straight into your cunt. His tongue entered you repeatedly, sending lightning bolts throughout your body. You cried out when his fingers started to rub circles on your clit, matching his tongues rhythm. You gripped his hair harder, grinding your hips against his face. His metal hand grasped your thigh to hold you in place. His tongue and fingers switched places, burying his fingers deep as his tongue gave your clit quick flicks. He easily found your sweet spot, relentlessly stroking across it with each thrust of his fingers. You moaned long and loud when he sucked your clit between his lips. Your legs began to shake and you tried to close your legs around his head because the pleasure was too much, too sharp. But his metal hand held you still. 

“Bucky… p-please baby.” You cried, arching your back. “Please let me cum.”

He looked up at you as his metal hand left your thigh to run his fingers across your nipples. When he rolled one between his fingers, your orgasm hit you hard. You slammed your eyes shut, screaming out your release, legs quaking around Bucky’s shoulders. He removed his fingers but gave your clit soft licks, bringing you down from your high. 

You opened your eyes when you felt him climb over you. He lowered himself to his elbows, his face inches above yours, your bodies were skin to skin. You wrapped your legs around his hips, as he kissed you softly. Bucky readjusted his hips to align himself with your entrance, pushing in slowly. Your quick intake of breath made him pull back to look at you.

“Are you ok?” he asked, while stopping his movement. 

You smiled up at him and tightened your legs around his hips, pushing his cock fully inside you. Cradling his face in your hands, you brought his lips down to meet yours again. You both sighed into the kiss when he pulled out and pushed back in. He ground his pelvis against yours, the hair at the base of his cock rough against your clit. 

“I’m perfect, don’t you dare stop,” you said against his lips. 

Bucky groaned, burying his face in your neck as he quickened his pace. You wrapped your arms around his head and whispered naughty things in his ear. His teeth nipped at the tender spot below your ear, causing your walls to clench around him. He moaned low, his thrusts turning more rough, deeper. He reached his metal arm down to wrap around your lower back, angling your hips into his thrusts. 

“Doll, please tell me you are with me, because I’m not going to last much longer.” he said, adjusting his knees for better leverage. “You feel so damn good.”

“I’m with you baby… let me feel you cum.” You moaned. 

He raised up to watch your face. The smile that was on his lips was your undoing, you gripped his shoulders are you came with a startled cry. Bucky closed his eyes and groaned when your walls contracted around him. He buried himself as deep as he could get and came with a shout, his hot spurts of cum spilling inside you. You smoothed your hands down his sides as you both settled. 

Bucky leaned down to give you a quick kiss before rolling over, bringing you with him. You leaned on an elbow and looked down at his content face. Reaching up, you brushed away the hair that had stuck to his face. “I love you too Bucky,” you said softly. 

He turned his head to look at you, “I know we always agreed that you would never use your abilities on me, but I want you to right now. I want you to see how I feel instead of me telling you.”

Nodding slowly, you placed your hands on each side of his neck and closed your eyes. Pushing yourself into his mind, you became overwhelmed with emotion. 

You… you were what was all over his mind. Past, present and future. You saw the hurt from missing you, you saw the good times and the bad. You saw the future he wanted with you. His first memory of you was the day they rescued you from HYDRA. He was the one that unstrapped you from the table and carried you out of the facility. You saw the moment that he knew he loved you. It was a rainy day spent in, he walked into your shared room and seen you dancing in your underwear, using a hair brush to sing the song. That memory faded into what he wanted his future to be. You were outside playing with a little boy who had your hair color and his daddy’s eyes, while he watched out of the window.

You let go of his neck, returning to yourself. Bucky reached up and wiped the tears away that you didn’t realize had started to fall. You quickly got out of the bed and grabbed the drawing that Bucky had seen earlier and searched for your sketchpad. After retrieving it, you sat back down on the bed next to him and opened it, finding the other half of the drawing. You put them together and turned the book to show him. 

He chuckled and traced the page with his finger, getting a little teary eyed himself, “You’ve seen it.”

You dived into his arms, nuzzling your face into his neck. Never letting go.

It didn’t hurt anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to end with fluff... I'm such a sucker for a happy Bucky!


End file.
